Headspace Read online

  “I can be at your house in fifteen.”

  “Where are you?”

  “At Fourth and Pine.”

  “I don’t know. The house is a mess. I’ve been…” I glance down at my last set of clean clothes, picturing the pile of dirties in my bedroom. “I’ve been…” I tug at my unwashed hair. “I need thirty. Come in thirty.”

  “Okay,” he breathes into the com. “Thank you.”

  “For…?”

  “For agreeing to see me. I’ve been an ass.”

  Tears sting my eyes. “Yeah. You have.”

  “I’m going to make it up to you. Or, at the very least, apologize to you for days.”

  I smile. “Okay. I might let you.” I twirl my hair around my finger. “Might is the operative word.”

  “You’re being generous. You should drop-kick me across the planet.”

  I sigh. “Yeah. Maybe. It’s been rough. But we have too much history. You at least deserve a chance.”

  He breathes a sigh in my ear. It sounds like a huge load of relief just left his shoulders. “Okay. I’ll see you in thirty. Forty if there’s traffic.”

  “Okay.” We both linger before disconnecting. I step out into the living room, biting my lip.

  “Have plans?” Grammy has turned off the holo-screen and is sitting on her couch, staring out the window.

  “It was Jonas.”

  “I suspected.” She waves her hands in my direction. “Go! We’re done. You need this. And don’t wait so long to call me.”

  I scramble over to give her a hug and hustle from her dwelling. I’m filled with so many conflicting emotions, I barely remember the ride to my house.

  When I arrive at home, I race into the house and start tossing soiled take-out containers, dirty clothes, and general mess into its appropriate place.

  Nigel studies me and shakes his head. What put a fire under your ass? I’ve been trying for days to get you on your feet.

  I glare at him. “You don’t understand human emotion.”

  He leaps up onto the back of the couch. What’s to understand? You’re all insane. It’s so much simpler in the jungle.

  “Like you’d know.” I lean over and scratch his head.

  It’s in my genes. I know. You prowl. You stalk. You kill. You eat. Done and done. He lifts a tiny paw and proceeds to groom.

  “Whatever you say, kitty. Whereas, here it’s eat on demand.” I roll my eyes at him.

  I’m an excellent hunter. I would thrive in the jungle.

  “Whatever…” I leap into the shower, turn the spray on, and scrub. When I’m clean, I put on my now slightly soiled last set of clean clothes, shove some stray socks under the bed, and tense as the door-pulse chimes. He’s here. A million thoughts race through my head. I’m still pissed. And hurt. And excited. And apprehensive. I rub my hands to try to clear the conflicting emotions all battering my insides. I run them through my hair. I will calm into my system. And I reach for the doorknob with a shaky, shaky hand.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Jonas smiles when he sees me. He hesitates, his face falls, and he stares at his boots. Some inner wall must have snapped into place.

  My eyes follow his to his feet. His boots are expensive leather, scuffed and worn from his time in the field. My gaze meanders up his jeans, which conceal well-muscled legs. I’ve seen those legs on many a summer occasion. They linger on his slim hips, the slight bulge in the fabric hinting at his…never mind. I’ve never seen that part. I’ve wondered a time or two. My contemplative eyes trace the contours of his tight abdomen, the muscles visible under his signature tech-T.

  He lifts his head and gives me one of those open “bare your soul” kinds of looks he started to give to me before he pressed the delete key on the friendship.

  I swallow hard and study him. He looks thinner than when I saw him last. Dark circles under his eyes make his cheeks appear bruised. His hair, the color of a glistening, dark bay stallion, is brushed back from his forehead, making his blue eyes look even more intense.

  “Can I come in?”

  “Yeah, sure. Of course. I’m sorry. Come in.” I step aside to let him enter.

  He steps across the landing and heads for the sofa, the same way he’s done throughout the years. He starts to sit, but hesitates and stands there, awkwardly. “May I?”

  My face creases into a frown. “May you what? Sit down? Why the hell do you have to ask?” This hesitant version of Jonas annoys me.

  “I don’t know…I just…it’s…I don’t know where to begin.” He settles stiffly onto the couch and runs his hand through his dark locks again. He regards me with openness and sincerity again, making me all melty inside.

  “You’re making me uncomfortable,” I say, unable to take my eyes from his. My stomach is churning like a stormy sea.

  “What am I doing to make you uncomfortable?”

  “You’re looking at me…it’s the way you’re looking at me.”

  “I told you, I’ve always wanted to look at you this way.”

  I scoff. “Yeah. Great parting gesture.” I break away from his inviting gaze. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch him flinching.

  “I’m sorry, I…well, it’s just that you…that you said you wouldn’t be with me as anything but a friend unless I got it together and left Jenner.”

  “You didn’t look particularly separated from her when I last saw you,” I snap. “Not that I could see you.” My face must have turned sixteen shades of crimson. Heat is pushing up my neck and into my face like someone set a fire inside of me. I stare hard at the textured sofa fabric. My hands reach out to smooth it as if I’m tenderly stroking Jonas’s stubble-lined jaw.

  “Kissing you—that was incredible. That was a dream come true.”

  “It was only the Devil’s Juice.” I steal a peek in his direction.

  He slowly shakes his head side to side, capturing my eyes with his. Our gaze tangles tempestuously, for one long moment, as if we’re at the Craze, connecting intimately, lip to lip. My mouth begins to burn with longing. He must be feeling the same because his tongue slips out to slide along his generous mouth. Then, his face darkens. “I’m sorry, V. I’m sorry to have hurt you.”

  I nod as an icy wall erects inside my chest. I don’t want to be vulnerable. Not with anyone. Especially not with him. One betraying teardrop pushes through the freeze and slides down my cheek.

  Jonas reaches out and wipes it with his warm thumb. “Just one tear?” he asks, smiling gently.

  I glare at him. “I’m all out. I was never able to restore my reserves after the weeks and weeks of crying.”

  “Ouch. I deserve that.”

  “You do. Couldn’t you have at least commed me? Told me something? Was it that easy to pitch all the years of friendship and companionship we’ve shared? I felt like discarded, soiled waste product. Something even an enzyme would reject.”

  “No, V, don’t say that. You’re anything but that. You’re…I…I’ve loved you since the day I met you.”

  “Then why were you with Jenner all this time?” I blurt.

  His face hardens. “Don’t forget, you telling me you only wanted to be friends, well…that wasn’t the first time I heard that. It’s been your mantra for years.”

  “I thought we had a good thing. I thought it worked.”

  “I wanted more. And, yes, we have a good thing. Not had.”

  At least six more tears poke through the ice lining my eyes. I count each one as it slithers down my cheek. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand to stop any more from escaping. “You say you love me?” I know I should feel happy. I want to feel happy. I can’t seem to feel anything but sorrow and anger.

  “I do. Only now I think I don’t deserve you. Before I thought maybe I had a chance.” He gives me a wan smile. His face grows serious again. “I really blew it, V. Really, really, really. Each day I wanted to pulse-com you and explain but each day I didn’t do it, it became more difficult to do the next. And Jenner didn’t make it easy.�
�� A bleak, tormented scowl washes across his handsome face.

  “What did she do?” I cross my arms and glare at him.

  “She became a royal bitch. She said I needed to prove to her that I was committed. Me. The guy who’s never strayed. Ever. She’s always hated you. This was just her way of trying to control me. I knew I wanted out. Only I wanted to do the right thing. She’d betrayed me and I needed some shred of integrity. I didn’t want to leave her by doing what she did to me. Not that the woman of my dreams was interested.”

  He gives me a piercing, pointed look that turns my insides to slush.

  “So I decided to take the high road and give her what she wanted. All the while I was making plans for escape, getting all my assets in order. We were never married but I figured she’d try something. I wanted to be protected when I gave her the boot.”

  I nod. “That makes sense, I suppose.” It did lessen the sting.

  “I’m a wealthy man, as you well know.”

  I nod again. “You just never play the wealth card. I’ve always been impressed by that.”

  “Thanks. Hard-won wealth needn’t be flaunted. Anyway, she said the only comfort she got was with Brian, he was her support, and that was all, blah, blah, blah. She supposedly confided in him to sort things out with me. But come on. That kiss we saw? That was her way of getting comforted by the creep? It was complete bullshit. And she was utter hell to live with. It was my purgatory. I knew she was lying but I…”

  He turns to me and the anguish in his eyes almost makes me reach out to comfort him. Almost…

  “After breaking your heart I thought I deserved to be punished by staying with her a while longer. I also wanted to let her hang herself. I knew she was fucking Brian. I’m not an idiot. And I told you I was making plans for the end. It was just a matter of time and scrutiny.”

  “So you got your evidence, sir?” I smile, thinking of being in the restaurant with him that night.

  He lets out a sigh of exasperation. “Boy, did I. I found her virtual trail. Apparently, she had also done some ‘favors’…” He makes air quotes around the word. “She did some favors for my bookkeeper to cover up the trail. He got fired immediately and she got the boot to the backside she deserved.” His lips tighten in what could only be anger. “Good riddance.”

  A bloom of hope stirs in my aching chest. “So she’s gone?”

  “Yes, Vienna, she’s gone. All her stuff is out of my apartment. I’ve tossed, purged, enzymed, composted every scrap of her.”

  “You…you didn’t off her, did you?”

  “Ha!” Jonas smiles. “I may have had a gruesome fantasy or two—more like how would I handle it if I got a call that something happened to her, but no. She just got her walking papers. She’s with nobody right at the moment, as far as I know, but I have no doubt that will change. That girl can wheedle herself into even the smartest guy’s pants.”

  “Or, the stupidest,” I say, jabbing him in the chest.

  Jonas captures my hand. “Or that.” He brings my hand to his lips and kisses my fingertips.

  Warmth seeps into my hand from his touch. My eyes close, savoring the sensation.

  Jonas releases my fingers and my eyes flutter open abruptly. He’s staring at the door to my Headspace. His face is a solid stone mask. “How’s your job going?”

  I frown. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, how’s your job going?”

  “It’s…I’m…I’m taking a break, that’s how. I got in over my head.” I glare at him in challenge, thinking of his judgment of the fantasy world. “What’s it to you?”

  His expression is completely unreadable. “How are all your big dogs?” He frowns when he says this.

  My jaw drops and my eyes widen. I’m sure I look like a pop-eyed goldfish. “What did you say?”

  He meets my eyes with a challenging stare of his own. “You heard me. How are all your big dogs?”

  My mind reels with possibilities and scenarios. Jonas has been in my Headspace. Jonas! How could I not have known? “Which one are you? And how could you get past my scrutiny? I have a lot of security measures in place to keep the nut jobs out.”

  A mirthless laugh leaves his mouth. “It wasn’t difficult, I can tell you that. I have years of experience. I learned to keep my own counsel and shield my thoughts. Jenner never trusted me even though I’m probably the most trustworthy guy on the planet, when it comes to keeping a commitment. She must have been up to something for years and feeling guilty about it because she was frequently suspicious, poking around in my office, asking me what I was thinking, feeling, etc. She was always prying. I learned how to keep her out. Once I make my mind up to do something, I’m pretty determined. And you—you’ve tried scanning me a time or two over the years. I got used to blocking you when you did that. I figured if we weren’t intimate, you didn’t deserve to access my fantasies. I’d have to grant you those rights. Which I’m more than willing to do if you’ll let me…”

  My heart lurches. I glance at Nigel, who’s sitting next to me, purring.

  This is going better than I expected. It’s fun to watch.

  I don’t like you staring at me.

  Get over it. Humans are weird. I’m studying you.

  Go take a nap. Go! I stab the air with my finger.

  My cat saunters away, flicking his tail with a fuck-you nonchalance.

  “Who were you, Jonas? Which avatar? Tell me.”

  He chuckles. “You have to know. Guess.”

  I smack my forehead with my hand. I knew it! “You! You’re Himeros!”

  “And you’re Desire. But I already knew that.”

  I fall back against the cushions and put my hands over my face. That’s why there was so much mystery! That’s why there were so many blurred edges. That’s why the distinction between fantasy and reality was so not there. I can’t look at him. He’s seen me at my neediest. He’s seen me at the brink of want and despair. He’s seen me at my sex-soaked, fantasy-filled job.

  “I wish you’d confided in me. I wish you’d told me what you do for a living.”

  “I didn’t want to,” I say in a muffled voice. “I didn’t want to be judged.”

  His fingers curl around my wrist and attempt to pry my hands from my face. I resist him with as much force as I can manage. “Let go of me.” We’re struggling in complete resistance to one another. “I said, let go!”

  Exasperated, he complies. “Goddamn it, Vienna. Look at me.”

  I remove my hands to stare at him.

  “What the hell were you trying to do, Jonas?”

  His face turns beet red. “I was trying to ascertain if I even stood a chance with you.”

  “By becoming a fantasy character? Any dipshit can do that.”

  “Yeah, but not every dipshit can have the connection I felt with you…feel with you. That’s when I knew I could rid myself of Jenner. That’s when I knew I would do anything to win you back into my life. I mean, after that kiss at the club…” He drifts off, caught up in the memory, no doubt.

  “Pretty elaborate scheme you concocted. I’ve never known you to be devious.”

  “More like desperate.”

  “Wait a minute,” I say, thinking back. “Your avatar left me all kinds of messages on HoloMess on the night you got wasted. How could that have been you? I was with you all night.”

  “Don’t forget, I took all kinds of bathroom breaks.”

  “So you were in there, fortified with liquid courage, pulse-comming my service to try to get into my Headspace?” I was incredulous.

  He appears sheepish. “Yeah. That was me.” His eyes flick away from me. “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

  “Where was your courage when you dumped me, asshole?”

  He flinches.

  “All you had to do was call me!” I’m yelling now, my voice ricocheting off the wall. “Fucking call me! Fucking reach out and connect, pulse-com to pulse-com. Stop by! Send me a holo-card! Anything! Weeks of endless sil
ence were all you gave!”

  He sits, grimacing, waiting for me to calm down. “I told you how sorry I was.”

  I pitch my hands in the air. “I’ve been in hell, Jonas. Utter hell. And now you’re all ‘I love you’? What am I supposed to do?”

  “Forgive me? Love me back?” he says, his most winsome smile getting the best of me.

  My eyes slowly scan the room, considering. Do I tell him? Do I allow vulnerability? I work my jaw from side to side. Take a deep breath. “I do love you, Jonas. I always have.”

  A huge grin spreads across his face. “I knew it! I knew it!”

  “Calm down. I’m trying to adjust to change over here.”

  “Calm as a summer pond. Cool, calm, and collected.” He spreads his hands through the air as if he’s smoothing the atmosphere. His expression, though, makes me think he’s going to combust with excitement.

  I laugh, he laughs, and any remaining tensions flutter away. “How’d you manage to fool HoloMess 500?”

  “That part was child’s play. You might want to consider a more secure, reliable service.”

  “Maybe.” I scowl at him. “Keep going.”

  “I’ve got connections everywhere from the work that I do. I had one of my connections in India build a fake profile.” A grin spreads across his face. “I told him it was to play a prank on a friend. This guy owed me big-time so he agreed.”

  “Some prank.”

  He laughs. “Didn’t you think it was clever?”

  “I like the Shiver Strip part, but the wives? And what’s this with you and cattle?”

  “You know I like a thick, juicy steak now and then.”

  “Is that all? You haven’t gone toward any bestial back-door kinds of kink, have you?”

  “Hell, no, V! That’s disgusting!” He shudders. “I was just trying to think of what someone would do if they lived on a remote island that supports livestock and not much else.”

  “Okay. I’ve just seen all kinds of kink inside my Headspace. I draw the line when it comes to rape fantasies, children, or bestiality. Those topics are redlined, deep-sixed, and the clients are reported. Other than that, the sky’s the limit.” I give him a wicked smile, grab a handful of his tech-T and pull. “You’d better watch out.” I lean closer to him, slowly, sensuously rubbing my nose across his nose. Our mouths are a millimeter apart. He starts to connect for a kiss when I pull away. I move my lips next to his ear and whisper. “Not so fast. You still have to convince me that this is the right thing. You still need to convince me that you’re not going to cut and run again.” I lean back and look into his eyes. “Got it?” I whisper.